Feel the Fear and Blog Anyway!!

I never thought I would create a blog - never felt I had anything I needed to share that others would be interested in reading. Now I am at the beginning of a search that I want to document and for whatever reason, I have the desire to share it as well. One thing I have learned is that it is none of my concern whether anyone reads and makes sense of it or not. My part is just to share it. So here goes...


I am in search of a glorious life.


In my 35 years I have taken many paths I hoped would lead to ultimate happiness. I have also taken no path, attempting to accept that life was simply what it seemed: work, TV, eating, sleeping; and not trying to find out what, if anything, was underneath it all. But having tried it both ways, I am now 110% sure that there is something out there. So I have begun my search in earnest.

To start, let me fill you in on some of my background.

I was born into the LDS religion (Mormon). Virtually anyone who has been born into an organized religion can probably relate. Up until a certain age/awareness level, I accepted that religion as the truth. Up until that point it never occurred to me that I had a choice or that I might question the validity and truth of the teachings I received there.


I remember one Sunday when I was about 15 years old, my Sunday School teacher shared with the class that he had at one time questioned his faith. He'd had trouble believing some of the teachings and felt that somehow he was being "duped". BUT that he had prayed hard about it and had come to believe that the doctrine really was true.


I think that was a turning point for me - realizing that it was actually possible that it wasn't true.


I began to question many of the teachings, which I will not go into here as it is most definitely not my intention to bash anyone or alienate anyone. Suffice it to say that, to me, much of the doctrine defied logic and it seemed I was expected to just believe it was all true on blind faith.

So I soon came to the conclusion that Mormonism and organized religion as a whole were not for me. I couldn't believe in the kind of God that might or might not let you into Heaven depending upon which church you attended.

For a very short time I thought I didn't believe in any kind of God at all. I think that was partly because I wasn't really aware yet that there were other options besides organized religion. Or rather, I was aware, but had always been taught that it was all a bunch of hoodoo and my mind took some time to open after being closed to it for so long.

When I was 19 or 20 I met my husband, who had spent some time living in a Buddhist temple. Every once in a while he would share insights with me that he had picked up there. If I had anxiety, for example, he said "You know, thoughts aren't real things. In the Buddhist temple, they told me I can watch my thoughts and acknowledge them, but know they are not real." At first, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but after a time and asking questions and getting answers, I began to comprehend and internalize more of what he meant.

Around that time I was given a book called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" written by Sogyal Rinpoche. The person who gave it to me knew I was going through some heavy duty anxiety and she said this book had changed her life. I read it and it was indeed a life changing book. It opened my eyes more to Buddhist teachings and so much of it totally rang true to me. I was also given a couple of books written by Deepak Chopra, which were incredible as well. I think that's really when the seed was planted.

Most of my early twenties, however, were spent partying like a rock star. There wasn't a whole lot of searching going on for quite a few years, except searching for a record deal and for a good party.

My next real contact with spirituality happened when I went into AA at the age of 27. The partying had taken a toll on my psyche, my reputation and my self-esteem. I was ready for a spiritual intervention. The first week I was sober my Dad passed away suddenly of a heart attack. I'm so glad I was just starting AA at that time because I truly felt I was in the right place and that I had found the support I so badly needed. AA is a spiritual program for recovery in which you get to choose your own higher power. That was an amazing and fantastic concept to me! I found an incredible sponsor, worked the program and stayed sober without a single slip for two years. Then my beloved sponsor moved away and I slowly fell out of AA.

But by then I knew that spirituality was the number one thing that had been lacking in my life. After that, I continued to meet people who seemed to be placed in my path who taught me more and more about what was truth. The one-ness of everything.

My next post will finish filling you in on my background and then it's on to join the story in progress: the search in real time, as it's happening....Thanks for reading and MUCH LOVE!!