Yes Woman

After recently watching the movie "Yes Man" I realized that over the years I have started saying "no" a lot more. (As in "No, I can't go to lunch with you." or "No, I don't have the capacity to take on more work.") My first instinct is always to say "NO!"

I know that it's because of fear; fear of rejection, failure, the unknown. If I don't do anything or finish anything then I don't risk anything and can't fail at anything. The only problem with that is that if I don't do anything or finish anything then I can't succeed at anything either! Right?

"No, I can't go to lunch with you."

My thought process: No, I don't know what we would talk about for an hour. I certainly don't have anything to say that would be of interest to you. You'll just find out how uninteresting and worthless I am. Besides, what will I wear? I have gotten too fat for all my clothes. And what if you asked me to actually commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? No way. I can't risk that.

Reality: True, I risk nothing BUT I pass on an opportunity for friendship and all the joy that brings. So what if you ask me to commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? What else do I have to do? I am smart and fun to be with and certainly worthy of friendship and happiness.

(I am reminded of another movie, Good Will Hunting, when Will is telling his therapist that he doesn't want to ask his girl out on another date because right now in his eyes she is perfect and he doesn't want to find out that she isn't perfect. His therapist says "I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.")

"No, I don't have the capacity to take on more work."

My thought process: This job is not my dream job. It's just a way to pay the bills until my real life starts. Why should I extend myself further than I am already extended. What if I spread myself too thin and end up screwing up on something. No, I am just going to stick with the status quo and conserve my time and energy for something that really matters.

Reality: I have plenty of time and bandwidth to take on more work. I am in no danger of spreading myself too thin. Going the extra mile at work creates more job security and better relationships with my boss and co-workers, thereby making my life easier. If I don't aim higher, I will never climb higher. I am smart enough that if I apply myself and persist, I will be successful at whatever I choose to do.

So I am going to be more of a "Yes Woman" from now on. Certainly not to the extent that Jim Carrey's character did in the movie, but before I say no I am going to think about my reasoning. Is it fear based? Am I passing on a potential opportunity to better my life? Opportunities like that are few and far between and I can't afford to pass them up out of fear!!

Kung Fu - my new (old) favorite TV show

Alan and I had always talked about buying the Kung Fu series on DVD so after the tragic death of David Carradine it seemed the appropriate time to do it. We ordered the series from Amazon and received it a couple of days ago.

We started with the Pilot episode and ended up having a Kung Fu marathon yesterday. What an amazing show. I can't believe it lasted three full seasons in the 1970's, being as liberal-minded as it was! We commented that it was decades before its time - even if it was produced today it would still be before its time!!

So many gems in there about how to live simply, humbly and honestly. We kept looking at eachother and saying things like "That is so true". But one thing really stuck out to me and I knew I would have to blog about it. I transcribed it so I could post it here.

It is in an episode titled "Blood Brother", where Caine is looking for a childhood friend who he grew up with at the Shaolin temple. The friend, it turns out, has been beaten to death by a group of bigoted young ruffians after serving as a doctor to many of them for years prior. At the trial of the murderers, Caine reads a letter he found on the body of his murdered friend. The friend had written it to a young woman who he was treating for headaches, knowing her mother had died years before after suffering similar headaches. The letter is as follows:

Honored Miss,

I ask you to excuse greivous faults and errors in me; for to understand this new language, this new land, occupies my time with great effort.

Please be assured that what happened to your revered mother is of her world, not yours. Do not clutch at pain and pain will pass, for I have touched the roots of your suffering and they will wither. In my country we say there is a time for each to die. It is not the death that is so drear, but the fear of death. Fear is the darkness and I wish you to know, gentle lady, that I am not afraid. At the end what remains is not riches, not structures of stone, but remembrances of those few people we have joined spirits with.

Honored lady, I bid you..."


And there the letter ends.

So much wisdom in so few words. I remember watching Kung Fu as a kid and knowing it was pretty deep but not having any idea what any of it meant. It's so great to watch it now, being on my search, so I can appreciate it fully.

We are going to continue the marathon tonight. I can't wait!

Do not clutch at pain and pain will pass...

It is not the death that is so drear, but the fear of death...

Fear is the darkness...

At the end what remains is...remembrances of those people we have joined spirits with.

The Success Principles - finding your true purpose

I have started reading Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles"(TSP) while still reading The Power of Now for the third time. I decided to read TSP after reading the quotes on the back of the book by motivational superstars like Tony Robbins, who said if I only read one book this year it should be Jack Canfield's TSP.

So I started reading it and I LOVE it! It's absolutely packed with information about how to find out what your true purpose is and how to go after it!! He gives ideas on how to be happy in your daily life by doing the best you can at your current job - even though it may not be what you really want to do. Doing your best even in that job can propel you to new heights and open doors for you that can lead you places you never imagined you'd go.

This is the part that first sold me:

The Life Purpose Exercise

1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity.

2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting with others, such as to support and to inspire.

3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be.

EXAMPLE: Everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony. Everyone is expressing their love.

4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement.

EXAMPLE: My purpose is to use my creativity and enthusiasm to support and inspire others to freely express their talents in a harmonious and loving way.

COOL, RIGHT??

The Secret: There and Back Again (and there again!)

My next stop on the Spirituality Express was The Secret. (A book and movie created by Rhonda Byrne about using the Law of Attraction to create the life of your dreams.)

I bought the book and read it every day. I bought the DVD and watched it constantly. I created my "vision board". For those who don't know, it's a bulletin board covered with pictures of my wildest dreams - house, car, yacht, career, body; pictures of the life that until then, I hadn't even allowed myself to fantasize about. I got myself a "gratitude rock" to keep in my pocket as a daily reminder to be grateful and feel the feeling of gratitude as often as possible.


It was such a huge relief to know that I control my experience in the world. I was absolutely elated to learn that as long as I thought positive thoughts and truly believed in my own power that I would be as happy and successful as I had dreamed when I was a kid. I was walking on sunshine.


I got deeper into the law of attraction. I read and studied the Abraham books (Abraham-Hicks Publications) from cover to cover. In fact, I embarked on a 30 day workbook of daily activities that were created from the Abraham teachings. I read several books by other contributors to The Secret including the Conversations With God books by Neale Donald Walsch. I spent hours on The Secret website reading about the experiences of others who were on this journey and posting about my own experiences.


I stopped watching the news (the news is never positive), and even stopped watching my favorite shows like American Justice and Cold Case Files in order to stop emitting those negative thought signals out into the world, thereby attracting less negativity back to me.


During this time my contract ended at my job and I got a new job that paid twice what I had been making. I stopped procrastinating and finally signed up for acting classes, which I had wanted to do for 15 years but for some reason just didn't believe I could. I put together and almost completed a project I had been working on for a decade but again, never thought I could really finish. I had an inspired idea for a non-profit charity organization, created a website for it and began promoting the website in every way I knew how.


I was happier, more productive and more hopeful than I remember ever being. I had more self esteem, too. What others thought of me was less important because I knew that I was a unique, blessed and special person with so much to offer. I believed it in my very core.

Then something really bad happened. It isn't important what it was, but just that it was one of the most horrible things that has ever happened to me. It was one of those experiences that sends a shockwave through your entire life.

On top of the shock of the actual event was the realization that I had spent all that time and energy and put my heart and soul into The Secret, having been told that my life would be forever changed for the better, and instead, one of the worst events of my life happened. So at that point the spell was broken and I couldn't invest any more of myself into working that plan. It was obviously a sham and I had bought into it.

So life went back to the way it was before The Secret. I stopped meditating, I quit doing the daily work, I took down the "vision board", I put my "gratitude rock" in the junk drawer and started watching the news and true crime shows again. The Secret...HAH...what a let-down...

After a couple of months of being back to "normal" again I had stopped working on my charity idea, I hadn't completed the 10-years-in-the-making project that was so close to being done, I was unmotivated and uncreative, and truly unhappy. It occurred to me that I had been so much happier, more confident, motivated and productive when I had believed in and studied The Secret! The bad thing that had happened to me would still have happened even if I wasn't doing The Secret. Bad things happen to people some times. It's just a part of life.

Regardless of whether The Secret was real or not, I had been happier when I was studying it. It was another clear message to me that I need spirituality in my life. Maybe not The Secret, or maybe not ALL of it, but I could take the jewels, the parts of it that rang true for me and put them in my pocket.

So, with all the jewels I have collected so far (from The Secret, from people I've known, experiences I've had, places I've been) I am off on the life-long journey in search of the glorious life!!

Feel the Fear and Blog Anyway!!

I never thought I would create a blog - never felt I had anything I needed to share that others would be interested in reading. Now I am at the beginning of a search that I want to document and for whatever reason, I have the desire to share it as well. One thing I have learned is that it is none of my concern whether anyone reads and makes sense of it or not. My part is just to share it. So here goes...


I am in search of a glorious life.


In my 35 years I have taken many paths I hoped would lead to ultimate happiness. I have also taken no path, attempting to accept that life was simply what it seemed: work, TV, eating, sleeping; and not trying to find out what, if anything, was underneath it all. But having tried it both ways, I am now 110% sure that there is something out there. So I have begun my search in earnest.

To start, let me fill you in on some of my background.

I was born into the LDS religion (Mormon). Virtually anyone who has been born into an organized religion can probably relate. Up until a certain age/awareness level, I accepted that religion as the truth. Up until that point it never occurred to me that I had a choice or that I might question the validity and truth of the teachings I received there.


I remember one Sunday when I was about 15 years old, my Sunday School teacher shared with the class that he had at one time questioned his faith. He'd had trouble believing some of the teachings and felt that somehow he was being "duped". BUT that he had prayed hard about it and had come to believe that the doctrine really was true.


I think that was a turning point for me - realizing that it was actually possible that it wasn't true.


I began to question many of the teachings, which I will not go into here as it is most definitely not my intention to bash anyone or alienate anyone. Suffice it to say that, to me, much of the doctrine defied logic and it seemed I was expected to just believe it was all true on blind faith.

So I soon came to the conclusion that Mormonism and organized religion as a whole were not for me. I couldn't believe in the kind of God that might or might not let you into Heaven depending upon which church you attended.

For a very short time I thought I didn't believe in any kind of God at all. I think that was partly because I wasn't really aware yet that there were other options besides organized religion. Or rather, I was aware, but had always been taught that it was all a bunch of hoodoo and my mind took some time to open after being closed to it for so long.

When I was 19 or 20 I met my husband, who had spent some time living in a Buddhist temple. Every once in a while he would share insights with me that he had picked up there. If I had anxiety, for example, he said "You know, thoughts aren't real things. In the Buddhist temple, they told me I can watch my thoughts and acknowledge them, but know they are not real." At first, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but after a time and asking questions and getting answers, I began to comprehend and internalize more of what he meant.

Around that time I was given a book called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" written by Sogyal Rinpoche. The person who gave it to me knew I was going through some heavy duty anxiety and she said this book had changed her life. I read it and it was indeed a life changing book. It opened my eyes more to Buddhist teachings and so much of it totally rang true to me. I was also given a couple of books written by Deepak Chopra, which were incredible as well. I think that's really when the seed was planted.

Most of my early twenties, however, were spent partying like a rock star. There wasn't a whole lot of searching going on for quite a few years, except searching for a record deal and for a good party.

My next real contact with spirituality happened when I went into AA at the age of 27. The partying had taken a toll on my psyche, my reputation and my self-esteem. I was ready for a spiritual intervention. The first week I was sober my Dad passed away suddenly of a heart attack. I'm so glad I was just starting AA at that time because I truly felt I was in the right place and that I had found the support I so badly needed. AA is a spiritual program for recovery in which you get to choose your own higher power. That was an amazing and fantastic concept to me! I found an incredible sponsor, worked the program and stayed sober without a single slip for two years. Then my beloved sponsor moved away and I slowly fell out of AA.

But by then I knew that spirituality was the number one thing that had been lacking in my life. After that, I continued to meet people who seemed to be placed in my path who taught me more and more about what was truth. The one-ness of everything.

My next post will finish filling you in on my background and then it's on to join the story in progress: the search in real time, as it's happening....Thanks for reading and MUCH LOVE!!