So...I'm feeling a little lost.
I'm not gonna lie. This is a part of my journey, after all. This blog is called "in search of the glorious life", not "currently and constantly living the glorious life".
My family is going through a tough time right now. Of course I won't list all the things that have happened or are happening, but it's been an exceptionally difficult few months.
The biggest part of me knows what I need to do:
1. Keep going. Don't give up on any of the goals and dreams that I am pursuing.
2. Get honest. With myself and with others.
3. Study. Get back on track with my reading, learning and practicing meditation.
4. Stop taking myself so seriously. Have fun with life and stay POSITIVE.
But the littlest part of me is suddenly finding it very difficult to do these things.
I wish I could go to a spirit-oriented conference or seminar or retreat or something where I can experience some good energy and be surrounded by people who are on the same journey as I am.
In fact, my new short term goal is to find an event I can attend over the next couple of weeks. (One that's free or cheap) Maybe that will give me the jump start I need to continue on my journey.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
poor little forgotten bloggy
Things have been so crazy that I forgot for a little while that I have a blog. Crazy in a good way! I am busy doing things I love to do! However, I can see that the Search is slipping again to the background of my life, which worries me a little.
I truly believe that the Search is what has brought all the positive things into my life so I know it is important to maintain the spiritual side of me above all else. However, it's easier said than done, since I don't have anyone else depending on me to do it. With all the other things in my life (my job, the screenplay I'm writing, the record I'm writing and recording with my friend Jonathan) there is always someone there waiting for me to complete my part of things.
In a way, I guess I created this blog to help hold me accountable for my spiritual development, but since no one but me reads it consistently, it isn't working as well as I'd hoped.
Anyway, for this moment I am thinking about spirituality, and this moment is all we really have, right?
I downloaded a couple of new audiobooks from iTunes a few days ago which I am excited to listen to. One of them is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and the other is The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. I'm sure my next blog post will be about one or both of those.
I'll blog to you then!
I truly believe that the Search is what has brought all the positive things into my life so I know it is important to maintain the spiritual side of me above all else. However, it's easier said than done, since I don't have anyone else depending on me to do it. With all the other things in my life (my job, the screenplay I'm writing, the record I'm writing and recording with my friend Jonathan) there is always someone there waiting for me to complete my part of things.
In a way, I guess I created this blog to help hold me accountable for my spiritual development, but since no one but me reads it consistently, it isn't working as well as I'd hoped.
Anyway, for this moment I am thinking about spirituality, and this moment is all we really have, right?
I downloaded a couple of new audiobooks from iTunes a few days ago which I am excited to listen to. One of them is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and the other is The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. I'm sure my next blog post will be about one or both of those.
I'll blog to you then!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
regret and positive thinking
I have often heard people say they have no regrets about their lives and would do it all again. I have always thought this meant that people just didn't care if what they did was wrong or right. Lately I have realized that maybe what they were saying was they have lived a life in which they never did anything bad enough to regret.
As I type this I am leaning more toward the former. I mean, it's pretty impossible to live a life in which you never do a single thing that you regret. Or maybe they mean they have forgiven themselves for regrettable actions in the past and moving forward they will not do things they might regret?
Similarly, I have recently realized that positive thinking effects my life much more directly than I had thought. I had thought of it as some sort of supernatural thing or some impossible-to-understand theory having to do with the vibrations we send out attracting similar vibrations. However, I suddenly realize that it's much simpler than that.
occurence leads to thought, thought determines emotion, emotion determines quality of day
When I'm having a bad day it is because I am feeling a negative emotion. I'm angry about something or sad or anxious or upset somehow.
When I am feeling a negative emotion it is my body physiologically reacting to a negative thought I had about something that occurred which I labeled in my mind as "bad".
THEREFORE - If I can avoid labeling things in my mind as "bad" I can avoid negative emotion, thereby making a better day for myself.
So the key is "thinking positive"...which is what they have been saying all along!
As I type this I am leaning more toward the former. I mean, it's pretty impossible to live a life in which you never do a single thing that you regret. Or maybe they mean they have forgiven themselves for regrettable actions in the past and moving forward they will not do things they might regret?
Similarly, I have recently realized that positive thinking effects my life much more directly than I had thought. I had thought of it as some sort of supernatural thing or some impossible-to-understand theory having to do with the vibrations we send out attracting similar vibrations. However, I suddenly realize that it's much simpler than that.
occurence leads to thought, thought determines emotion, emotion determines quality of day
When I'm having a bad day it is because I am feeling a negative emotion. I'm angry about something or sad or anxious or upset somehow.
When I am feeling a negative emotion it is my body physiologically reacting to a negative thought I had about something that occurred which I labeled in my mind as "bad".
THEREFORE - If I can avoid labeling things in my mind as "bad" I can avoid negative emotion, thereby making a better day for myself.
So the key is "thinking positive"...which is what they have been saying all along!
Monday, August 24, 2009
my things are not who I am
Times are tight financially right now for my family. We have been forced to drastically change our lifestyle. We took Harper out of day care since at least one of us is always at home to watch her. We have given notice at our lovely townhouse in Irvine and will be moving into an apartment in a less expensive part of Orange County. I am selling my beautiful car and preparing to buy a much less expensive but practical one. We have started going without luxuries to which we had been accustomed, such as Disneyland passports, acting classes, mani/pedis, and the like.
Suprisingly enough, what I am finding is that this makes absolutely no difference in my happiness level. Owning and doing all those things were supposed to make us happier and take our lives to a new level of enjoyment. I am just as happy now as I was then. Happier even. I am looking forward to moving out of this place which is a drain on the pocketbook. Though it's nice, it isn't ideal for us. There are no little neighbors for Harper to play with here. There is no sense of community among neighbors. In fact in the four years we've been here we have never met our neighbors. I am looking forward to selling my car, another drain on the pocketbook. It will be such a relief to have that money each month to put toward credit card bills and savings. Rather than making us happy, without us even realizing it, our possessions have been like a black cloud over our heads.
I am becoming a firm believer in "travelling light". I will be credit card debt free within two or three years and I plan on NEVER having another credit card.
I am finding that the glorious life is already here. It's not about possessions, materialistic luxuries and such. It's about living each day. Truly living. Being present for my life. Yes, having nice things is good in some ways. Quality things don't break down, they are dependable and convenient, and that's great - IF you can afford it. But if you can't really afford it, all it does is add to your worry by creating debt that hangs over your head.
So someday I plan on having a nice new car again. Someday we'll live in a nice home with all the amenities we want. But only when we can truly afford it. Until then, we will learn to live within our means. To truly LIVE within our means. And that's a great thing!!
Suprisingly enough, what I am finding is that this makes absolutely no difference in my happiness level. Owning and doing all those things were supposed to make us happier and take our lives to a new level of enjoyment. I am just as happy now as I was then. Happier even. I am looking forward to moving out of this place which is a drain on the pocketbook. Though it's nice, it isn't ideal for us. There are no little neighbors for Harper to play with here. There is no sense of community among neighbors. In fact in the four years we've been here we have never met our neighbors. I am looking forward to selling my car, another drain on the pocketbook. It will be such a relief to have that money each month to put toward credit card bills and savings. Rather than making us happy, without us even realizing it, our possessions have been like a black cloud over our heads.
I am becoming a firm believer in "travelling light". I will be credit card debt free within two or three years and I plan on NEVER having another credit card.
I am finding that the glorious life is already here. It's not about possessions, materialistic luxuries and such. It's about living each day. Truly living. Being present for my life. Yes, having nice things is good in some ways. Quality things don't break down, they are dependable and convenient, and that's great - IF you can afford it. But if you can't really afford it, all it does is add to your worry by creating debt that hangs over your head.
So someday I plan on having a nice new car again. Someday we'll live in a nice home with all the amenities we want. But only when we can truly afford it. Until then, we will learn to live within our means. To truly LIVE within our means. And that's a great thing!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Too many cooks in the kitchen?
I know I am weird, but sometimes I worry about things like this:
I love Tolle's philosophy and I totally believe he's right. The more I get into it, the more I want to connect with other people who are into it. So I started to check out a couple of forums that discuss Tolle. BUT... I saw some stuff on there that worried me. People giving advice that doesn't seem to be quite right.
What if the other people unintentionally inject some kind of germ into it so that it's not pure anymore?
Is it better for me to just read and study on my own, and not complicate things by bringing others into the circle? Is there such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen?
These are the silly things I worry about.
I have been busy so I'm not posting as often as I'd like. If anyone is reading anyway???
I love Tolle's philosophy and I totally believe he's right. The more I get into it, the more I want to connect with other people who are into it. So I started to check out a couple of forums that discuss Tolle. BUT... I saw some stuff on there that worried me. People giving advice that doesn't seem to be quite right.
What if the other people unintentionally inject some kind of germ into it so that it's not pure anymore?
Is it better for me to just read and study on my own, and not complicate things by bringing others into the circle? Is there such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen?
These are the silly things I worry about.
I have been busy so I'm not posting as often as I'd like. If anyone is reading anyway???
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I need to stop THINKING to start LIVING!!!
I dowloaded an "audiobook" on iTunes which is actually a recording of a series of talks given by a Buddhist monk named Pema Chodron at a retreat she did. The download is called "Getting Unstuck".
WOW!!
Immediately I though "this woman has an incredible voice." If I was a cat, I would purr just listening to her voice. So soothing and pleasant.
Throughout the recording it becomes clear that the retreat is for people who have addictions of one sort or another, but the message she brings could be shared with any group of people and it would still be just as relevant and helpful.
Throughout my search I find that I keep hearing one message loud and clear. Our thoughts are not ourselves!! And this recording is focused on that very topic. The more often I remember it, the better my life is becoming!
Worries about the future, bad memories of the past, dwelling on loneliness or feelings of any kind in the present ALL stem from thinking. And thoughts are NOT REAL! They are illusions. If I am simply in the moment, EVERY moment, there is nothing to worry about. There are flowers to smell, delicious foods to eat, art and music to create, silence to enjoy.
Of course things come up, like work, or bills to pay, and when negative thoughts and feelings arise about those things I can acknowledge them, but know that those thoughts are illusions. They are not real. And by acknowledging them, they begin to disappear.
WOW!!
Immediately I though "this woman has an incredible voice." If I was a cat, I would purr just listening to her voice. So soothing and pleasant.
Throughout the recording it becomes clear that the retreat is for people who have addictions of one sort or another, but the message she brings could be shared with any group of people and it would still be just as relevant and helpful.
Throughout my search I find that I keep hearing one message loud and clear. Our thoughts are not ourselves!! And this recording is focused on that very topic. The more often I remember it, the better my life is becoming!
Worries about the future, bad memories of the past, dwelling on loneliness or feelings of any kind in the present ALL stem from thinking. And thoughts are NOT REAL! They are illusions. If I am simply in the moment, EVERY moment, there is nothing to worry about. There are flowers to smell, delicious foods to eat, art and music to create, silence to enjoy.
Of course things come up, like work, or bills to pay, and when negative thoughts and feelings arise about those things I can acknowledge them, but know that those thoughts are illusions. They are not real. And by acknowledging them, they begin to disappear.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A New Earth - finally!
I'm FINALLY over the hump with A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I refer to the first 25 pages of the book as the "hump" because I have started reading the book at least 5 times but have never been able to get through those first 25 pages.
The book, like The Power of Now, is about how our thoughts and our minds have taken over and are pretending to be us. Ironically, every time I tried reading it, my mind was all over the map. Something about the way it's written made it almost impossible for me to comprehend on first read. I found myself reading the same paragraph 3 and 4 times over again and still not having any idea what I had just read. My theory is that there is SO MUCH information - every word has such meaning - that it can't be read like other books. Usually, I can read a book and even if I have been distracted for a while I can still get the jist of what it's about. Not this book!! So I decided to take it one sentence at a time - one word at a time at some points - to make sure I comprehended each word, in hopes that that would add up to comprehension of the whole.
It worked!
And now that I got past the "hump", the book has opened up into this amazing world of its own. It's hard to describe. Let's just say that I thought "The Power of Now" was the most mind-opening and eye-opening book I had ever read, but this book is already surpassing it. No wonder Oprah loves this book! And if it's good enough for O, it's good enough for me!!
I'm really enjoying this time in my life. I feel so inspired and hopeful! I know that my "search" is really not just about the destination, but more about the journey. The search itself is helping me to realize that I ALREADY have the glorious life. I just need to learn how to open my eyes and see it!
The book, like The Power of Now, is about how our thoughts and our minds have taken over and are pretending to be us. Ironically, every time I tried reading it, my mind was all over the map. Something about the way it's written made it almost impossible for me to comprehend on first read. I found myself reading the same paragraph 3 and 4 times over again and still not having any idea what I had just read. My theory is that there is SO MUCH information - every word has such meaning - that it can't be read like other books. Usually, I can read a book and even if I have been distracted for a while I can still get the jist of what it's about. Not this book!! So I decided to take it one sentence at a time - one word at a time at some points - to make sure I comprehended each word, in hopes that that would add up to comprehension of the whole.
It worked!
And now that I got past the "hump", the book has opened up into this amazing world of its own. It's hard to describe. Let's just say that I thought "The Power of Now" was the most mind-opening and eye-opening book I had ever read, but this book is already surpassing it. No wonder Oprah loves this book! And if it's good enough for O, it's good enough for me!!
I'm really enjoying this time in my life. I feel so inspired and hopeful! I know that my "search" is really not just about the destination, but more about the journey. The search itself is helping me to realize that I ALREADY have the glorious life. I just need to learn how to open my eyes and see it!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Busy Bee!
My life is getting glorious-er and glorious-er by the day!
I am reading...you guessed it...The Power of Now again!! For the Nth time!! And loving it just as much, if not more than ever. I decided I am just going to read it over and over again as many times as it takes for me to begin living it on a daily basis. I am also reading Deepak Chopra's The Book of Secrets. Coincidentally The Book of Secrets, like The Power of Now, talks a lot about how our thoughts are not us and if we are able to quiet our thoughts we can glimpse our true nature.
Up until this point I have not been meditating each day. I guess I have been sort of meditating every once in a while by trying to focus on the Now but I have not set aside time every day in a quiet space to officially meditate. I am stating here and now that I intend to set aside time every single day to meditate starting today. Maybe if I say it here it will be extra motivation for me to actually follow through and do it!!
I am seeing how all things really are connected and how simple a concept it really is. The CONCEPT is simple; internalizing the concept is not as simple. But the beauty is that we have our whole lives to work on it!!
I have been working on flowing with the current of my life instead of trying to swim upstream all the time and I am learning so much about myself!! I never imagined it, but I LOVE screenwriting!! I had a really neat idea for a movie and decided I would write a screenplay based on the idea. I am having a BLAST!!! It is work, but it is joyful work and it is my favorite thing to do right now. I don't know what I will do when it is completed, but maybe I will try and find a way to make a movie with zero budget. Who knows? I know I can do it if I want to - we'll see how it looks when it's done.
Oh, one more thing before I go...I am following P Diddy on Twitter and I have to say I LOVE his philosophy and his outlook on life. He tweeted yesterday about how he went for a walk with his son and told his son about how a person has creative control over their own life. He is so positive! It's The Secret! And P Diddy is preaching it!!
Cool, right?
I am reading...you guessed it...The Power of Now again!! For the Nth time!! And loving it just as much, if not more than ever. I decided I am just going to read it over and over again as many times as it takes for me to begin living it on a daily basis. I am also reading Deepak Chopra's The Book of Secrets. Coincidentally The Book of Secrets, like The Power of Now, talks a lot about how our thoughts are not us and if we are able to quiet our thoughts we can glimpse our true nature.
Up until this point I have not been meditating each day. I guess I have been sort of meditating every once in a while by trying to focus on the Now but I have not set aside time every day in a quiet space to officially meditate. I am stating here and now that I intend to set aside time every single day to meditate starting today. Maybe if I say it here it will be extra motivation for me to actually follow through and do it!!
I am seeing how all things really are connected and how simple a concept it really is. The CONCEPT is simple; internalizing the concept is not as simple. But the beauty is that we have our whole lives to work on it!!
I have been working on flowing with the current of my life instead of trying to swim upstream all the time and I am learning so much about myself!! I never imagined it, but I LOVE screenwriting!! I had a really neat idea for a movie and decided I would write a screenplay based on the idea. I am having a BLAST!!! It is work, but it is joyful work and it is my favorite thing to do right now. I don't know what I will do when it is completed, but maybe I will try and find a way to make a movie with zero budget. Who knows? I know I can do it if I want to - we'll see how it looks when it's done.
Oh, one more thing before I go...I am following P Diddy on Twitter and I have to say I LOVE his philosophy and his outlook on life. He tweeted yesterday about how he went for a walk with his son and told his son about how a person has creative control over their own life. He is so positive! It's The Secret! And P Diddy is preaching it!!
Cool, right?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Planet Earth
I bought the Planet Earth DVD series for my husband for Christmas last year and we never got around to watching until now. If you are not familiar with the series it is a Discovery Channel produced series that took several years to create with incredible footage of wild animals, oceans, deserts, caves, forests, mountains, glaciers etc. from all over the planet.
I have been watching with tears in my eyes for two nights now. The images are so incredibly beautiful that they are almost unreal. Much of it looks digitally animated, but the amazing part is that it is all real! I keep asking myself, how is it that all these natural wonders have existed for millions of years, yet most of us have never heard of or seen most of them before?
Last night I watched the episode on caves and they showed us the most incredible cave - in New Mexico no less - called Lechuguilla. It was not discovered until 1986! The walls of this cave are absolutely covered in fine crystals, so it is as if you are standing in a massive geode! The most spectacular part of the cave is called the Chandelier Ballroom, where gypsum crystals 5 or 6 feet long hang down from the cieling. It is truly breathtaking.
The episode on deserts includes incredible footage of wild camels in the Gobi desert that took 2 months to film, because the camels are so rare and when found, they are so spooked by humans that they run as fast as they can. Even the footage of the deserts themselves is so beautiful, the sand is so smooth it looks like satin sheets.
I could go on all day about this wonderful series, but what I really wanted to say is how beautifully it puts my life into perspective. The silly little annoyances in my life which I call "problems" mean absolutely nothing outside of my own mind! If I choose to simply stop worrying about them, I begin to realize they don't even exist! I have food to eat and water to drink, shelter overhead and love in my heart! We live in a miraculous world and it is too rare that we are reminded of that.
If you haven't seen the Planet Earth series, please do if you can. You will be no less than stunned.
I have been watching with tears in my eyes for two nights now. The images are so incredibly beautiful that they are almost unreal. Much of it looks digitally animated, but the amazing part is that it is all real! I keep asking myself, how is it that all these natural wonders have existed for millions of years, yet most of us have never heard of or seen most of them before?
Last night I watched the episode on caves and they showed us the most incredible cave - in New Mexico no less - called Lechuguilla. It was not discovered until 1986! The walls of this cave are absolutely covered in fine crystals, so it is as if you are standing in a massive geode! The most spectacular part of the cave is called the Chandelier Ballroom, where gypsum crystals 5 or 6 feet long hang down from the cieling. It is truly breathtaking.
The episode on deserts includes incredible footage of wild camels in the Gobi desert that took 2 months to film, because the camels are so rare and when found, they are so spooked by humans that they run as fast as they can. Even the footage of the deserts themselves is so beautiful, the sand is so smooth it looks like satin sheets.
I could go on all day about this wonderful series, but what I really wanted to say is how beautifully it puts my life into perspective. The silly little annoyances in my life which I call "problems" mean absolutely nothing outside of my own mind! If I choose to simply stop worrying about them, I begin to realize they don't even exist! I have food to eat and water to drink, shelter overhead and love in my heart! We live in a miraculous world and it is too rare that we are reminded of that.
If you haven't seen the Planet Earth series, please do if you can. You will be no less than stunned.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Book Club!!!
I have decided to form a book club! I so enjoy reading these amazing books I have been posting about and I would LOVE to read them with others so we can share ideas and insights. Maybe it will be called Glorious Life Book Club?
It seems like a great way to meet like-minded people and help eachother to grow and progress along our paths!
I just checked on Craigslist and it doesn't appear that there are any similar clubs posted in the OC. I don't know if I should post or just try a word of mouth thing. I'll have to think about that a bit. But if anyone in the OC is reading this and would be interested in such a club please let me know! Maybe we could meet twice a month?
It seems like a great way to meet like-minded people and help eachother to grow and progress along our paths!
I just checked on Craigslist and it doesn't appear that there are any similar clubs posted in the OC. I don't know if I should post or just try a word of mouth thing. I'll have to think about that a bit. But if anyone in the OC is reading this and would be interested in such a club please let me know! Maybe we could meet twice a month?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Choosing to love my job.
Every day I am tempted to just do the bare minimum at work. Honestly, I fell into recruiting. It wasn't something I sought out - "Oh, I just have to be a recruiter!" I wanted to be a rock star, for God's sake!
But I just realized something...
What if I have a choice as to whether I am happy at my job or not? What if I can actually choose to love my job and take pride in my work? Who would that be hurting? What are the pros and cons of choosing to love my job? Let's figure this out in real time...
Pros: Happy to get up and start work each day; sense of accomplishment after a productive day; increased self-respect; better relationships with co-workers; happier life in general; a sense of really living my life rather than waiting for my "real" life to start.
Cons: um...can't think of any...
So what will it mean to choose to love my job - in other words - what will I do differently now that I love my job? I think one of the big things for me is to ask myself questions like "How can I make this project even better? What can I do to take this above and beyond the expected?"
Today I was asked to research and put together a list of colleges in Jacksonville, FL where we might be able to recruit students to work part time positions for us. I've made a list of the colleges and the contact info for their career centers. How can I take it above and beyond? I could call each school and find out who the appropriate contact person is there, then contact them and ask them about the process for posting job opportunities there. I could then put all the info on a spreadsheet to present to my boss.
Okay, so my work is cut out for me...
I love my job!!
But I just realized something...
What if I have a choice as to whether I am happy at my job or not? What if I can actually choose to love my job and take pride in my work? Who would that be hurting? What are the pros and cons of choosing to love my job? Let's figure this out in real time...
Pros: Happy to get up and start work each day; sense of accomplishment after a productive day; increased self-respect; better relationships with co-workers; happier life in general; a sense of really living my life rather than waiting for my "real" life to start.
Cons: um...can't think of any...
So what will it mean to choose to love my job - in other words - what will I do differently now that I love my job? I think one of the big things for me is to ask myself questions like "How can I make this project even better? What can I do to take this above and beyond the expected?"
Today I was asked to research and put together a list of colleges in Jacksonville, FL where we might be able to recruit students to work part time positions for us. I've made a list of the colleges and the contact info for their career centers. How can I take it above and beyond? I could call each school and find out who the appropriate contact person is there, then contact them and ask them about the process for posting job opportunities there. I could then put all the info on a spreadsheet to present to my boss.
Okay, so my work is cut out for me...
I love my job!!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Yes Woman
After recently watching the movie "Yes Man" I realized that over the years I have started saying "no" a lot more. (As in "No, I can't go to lunch with you." or "No, I don't have the capacity to take on more work.") My first instinct is always to say "NO!"
I know that it's because of fear; fear of rejection, failure, the unknown. If I don't do anything or finish anything then I don't risk anything and can't fail at anything. The only problem with that is that if I don't do anything or finish anything then I can't succeed at anything either! Right?
"No, I can't go to lunch with you."
My thought process: No, I don't know what we would talk about for an hour. I certainly don't have anything to say that would be of interest to you. You'll just find out how uninteresting and worthless I am. Besides, what will I wear? I have gotten too fat for all my clothes. And what if you asked me to actually commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? No way. I can't risk that.
Reality: True, I risk nothing BUT I pass on an opportunity for friendship and all the joy that brings. So what if you ask me to commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? What else do I have to do? I am smart and fun to be with and certainly worthy of friendship and happiness.
(I am reminded of another movie, Good Will Hunting, when Will is telling his therapist that he doesn't want to ask his girl out on another date because right now in his eyes she is perfect and he doesn't want to find out that she isn't perfect. His therapist says "I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.")
"No, I don't have the capacity to take on more work."
My thought process: This job is not my dream job. It's just a way to pay the bills until my real life starts. Why should I extend myself further than I am already extended. What if I spread myself too thin and end up screwing up on something. No, I am just going to stick with the status quo and conserve my time and energy for something that really matters.
Reality: I have plenty of time and bandwidth to take on more work. I am in no danger of spreading myself too thin. Going the extra mile at work creates more job security and better relationships with my boss and co-workers, thereby making my life easier. If I don't aim higher, I will never climb higher. I am smart enough that if I apply myself and persist, I will be successful at whatever I choose to do.
So I am going to be more of a "Yes Woman" from now on. Certainly not to the extent that Jim Carrey's character did in the movie, but before I say no I am going to think about my reasoning. Is it fear based? Am I passing on a potential opportunity to better my life? Opportunities like that are few and far between and I can't afford to pass them up out of fear!!
I know that it's because of fear; fear of rejection, failure, the unknown. If I don't do anything or finish anything then I don't risk anything and can't fail at anything. The only problem with that is that if I don't do anything or finish anything then I can't succeed at anything either! Right?
"No, I can't go to lunch with you."
My thought process: No, I don't know what we would talk about for an hour. I certainly don't have anything to say that would be of interest to you. You'll just find out how uninteresting and worthless I am. Besides, what will I wear? I have gotten too fat for all my clothes. And what if you asked me to actually commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? No way. I can't risk that.
Reality: True, I risk nothing BUT I pass on an opportunity for friendship and all the joy that brings. So what if you ask me to commit to going to a party or helping you with a project? What else do I have to do? I am smart and fun to be with and certainly worthy of friendship and happiness.
(I am reminded of another movie, Good Will Hunting, when Will is telling his therapist that he doesn't want to ask his girl out on another date because right now in his eyes she is perfect and he doesn't want to find out that she isn't perfect. His therapist says "I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.")
"No, I don't have the capacity to take on more work."
My thought process: This job is not my dream job. It's just a way to pay the bills until my real life starts. Why should I extend myself further than I am already extended. What if I spread myself too thin and end up screwing up on something. No, I am just going to stick with the status quo and conserve my time and energy for something that really matters.
Reality: I have plenty of time and bandwidth to take on more work. I am in no danger of spreading myself too thin. Going the extra mile at work creates more job security and better relationships with my boss and co-workers, thereby making my life easier. If I don't aim higher, I will never climb higher. I am smart enough that if I apply myself and persist, I will be successful at whatever I choose to do.
So I am going to be more of a "Yes Woman" from now on. Certainly not to the extent that Jim Carrey's character did in the movie, but before I say no I am going to think about my reasoning. Is it fear based? Am I passing on a potential opportunity to better my life? Opportunities like that are few and far between and I can't afford to pass them up out of fear!!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Kung Fu - my new (old) favorite TV show
Alan and I had always talked about buying the Kung Fu series on DVD so after the tragic death of David Carradine it seemed the appropriate time to do it. We ordered the series from Amazon and received it a couple of days ago.
We started with the Pilot episode and ended up having a Kung Fu marathon yesterday. What an amazing show. I can't believe it lasted three full seasons in the 1970's, being as liberal-minded as it was! We commented that it was decades before its time - even if it was produced today it would still be before its time!!
So many gems in there about how to live simply, humbly and honestly. We kept looking at eachother and saying things like "That is so true". But one thing really stuck out to me and I knew I would have to blog about it. I transcribed it so I could post it here.
It is in an episode titled "Blood Brother", where Caine is looking for a childhood friend who he grew up with at the Shaolin temple. The friend, it turns out, has been beaten to death by a group of bigoted young ruffians after serving as a doctor to many of them for years prior. At the trial of the murderers, Caine reads a letter he found on the body of his murdered friend. The friend had written it to a young woman who he was treating for headaches, knowing her mother had died years before after suffering similar headaches. The letter is as follows:
Honored Miss,
I ask you to excuse greivous faults and errors in me; for to understand this new language, this new land, occupies my time with great effort.
Please be assured that what happened to your revered mother is of her world, not yours. Do not clutch at pain and pain will pass, for I have touched the roots of your suffering and they will wither. In my country we say there is a time for each to die. It is not the death that is so drear, but the fear of death. Fear is the darkness and I wish you to know, gentle lady, that I am not afraid. At the end what remains is not riches, not structures of stone, but remembrances of those few people we have joined spirits with.
Honored lady, I bid you..."
And there the letter ends.
So much wisdom in so few words. I remember watching Kung Fu as a kid and knowing it was pretty deep but not having any idea what any of it meant. It's so great to watch it now, being on my search, so I can appreciate it fully.
We are going to continue the marathon tonight. I can't wait!
We started with the Pilot episode and ended up having a Kung Fu marathon yesterday. What an amazing show. I can't believe it lasted three full seasons in the 1970's, being as liberal-minded as it was! We commented that it was decades before its time - even if it was produced today it would still be before its time!!
So many gems in there about how to live simply, humbly and honestly. We kept looking at eachother and saying things like "That is so true". But one thing really stuck out to me and I knew I would have to blog about it. I transcribed it so I could post it here.
It is in an episode titled "Blood Brother", where Caine is looking for a childhood friend who he grew up with at the Shaolin temple. The friend, it turns out, has been beaten to death by a group of bigoted young ruffians after serving as a doctor to many of them for years prior. At the trial of the murderers, Caine reads a letter he found on the body of his murdered friend. The friend had written it to a young woman who he was treating for headaches, knowing her mother had died years before after suffering similar headaches. The letter is as follows:
Honored Miss,
I ask you to excuse greivous faults and errors in me; for to understand this new language, this new land, occupies my time with great effort.
Please be assured that what happened to your revered mother is of her world, not yours. Do not clutch at pain and pain will pass, for I have touched the roots of your suffering and they will wither. In my country we say there is a time for each to die. It is not the death that is so drear, but the fear of death. Fear is the darkness and I wish you to know, gentle lady, that I am not afraid. At the end what remains is not riches, not structures of stone, but remembrances of those few people we have joined spirits with.
Honored lady, I bid you..."
And there the letter ends.
So much wisdom in so few words. I remember watching Kung Fu as a kid and knowing it was pretty deep but not having any idea what any of it meant. It's so great to watch it now, being on my search, so I can appreciate it fully.
We are going to continue the marathon tonight. I can't wait!
Do not clutch at pain and pain will pass...
It is not the death that is so drear, but the fear of death...
Fear is the darkness...
At the end what remains is...remembrances of those people we have joined spirits with.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Grand Canyon and the silly fears that might have stopped us from going!
We have decided (somewhat last minute) to take a trip to the Grand Canyon, leaving tomorrow!
Not too long ago we would have said "Wouldn't it be nice if we could go... but there's just no way we can do it right now." But now we see those excuses for what they are: fears that are not based in any kind of fact.
1. Yes, money is tight, but it is just as tight whether we are home or in the Grand Canyon.
2. Yes, Alan is looking for a job, but he can take a few days off from the job search. When he does get a job he won't be able to take last minute trips like this - who knows how long it will be before he can take time off at all.
3. Yes, I got my wisdom teeth out today, but I can rinse with salt water and eat soft foods in the Grand Canyon just as easily as I can here.
About 8 years ago or so Alan and I bought a videotape at a thrift store about National Parks and we watched it over and over again because it was like taking a virtual vacation. The section about the Grand Canyon was always our favorite and we always talked about going there but never did it. It's really silly because we live relatively close to it, but we just never realized how easy it would be to go. Our fears always got in the way. So I'm glad we finally get to see it together with Harper.
I'm so grateful that the things I am learning in my search for the glorious life are allowing me to take chances and opportunities I never would have considered before.
Not too long ago we would have said "Wouldn't it be nice if we could go... but there's just no way we can do it right now." But now we see those excuses for what they are: fears that are not based in any kind of fact.
1. Yes, money is tight, but it is just as tight whether we are home or in the Grand Canyon.
2. Yes, Alan is looking for a job, but he can take a few days off from the job search. When he does get a job he won't be able to take last minute trips like this - who knows how long it will be before he can take time off at all.
3. Yes, I got my wisdom teeth out today, but I can rinse with salt water and eat soft foods in the Grand Canyon just as easily as I can here.
About 8 years ago or so Alan and I bought a videotape at a thrift store about National Parks and we watched it over and over again because it was like taking a virtual vacation. The section about the Grand Canyon was always our favorite and we always talked about going there but never did it. It's really silly because we live relatively close to it, but we just never realized how easy it would be to go. Our fears always got in the way. So I'm glad we finally get to see it together with Harper.
I'm so grateful that the things I am learning in my search for the glorious life are allowing me to take chances and opportunities I never would have considered before.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Success Principles - finding your true purpose
I have started reading Jack Canfield's "The Success Principles"(TSP) while still reading The Power of Now for the third time. I decided to read TSP after reading the quotes on the back of the book by motivational superstars like Tony Robbins, who said if I only read one book this year it should be Jack Canfield's TSP.
So I started reading it and I LOVE it! It's absolutely packed with information about how to find out what your true purpose is and how to go after it!! He gives ideas on how to be happy in your daily life by doing the best you can at your current job - even though it may not be what you really want to do. Doing your best even in that job can propel you to new heights and open doors for you that can lead you places you never imagined you'd go.
This is the part that first sold me:
The Life Purpose Exercise
1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity.
2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting with others, such as to support and to inspire.
3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be.
4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement.
So I started reading it and I LOVE it! It's absolutely packed with information about how to find out what your true purpose is and how to go after it!! He gives ideas on how to be happy in your daily life by doing the best you can at your current job - even though it may not be what you really want to do. Doing your best even in that job can propel you to new heights and open doors for you that can lead you places you never imagined you'd go.
This is the part that first sold me:
The Life Purpose Exercise
1. List two of your unique personal qualities, such as enthusiasm and creativity.
2. List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when interacting with others, such as to support and to inspire.
3. Assume the world is perfect right now. What does this world look like? How is everyone interacting with everyone else? What does it feel like? Write your answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the ultimate condition, the perfect world as you see it and feel it. Remember, a perfect world is a fun place to be.
EXAMPLE: Everyone is freely expressing their own unique talents. Everyone is working in harmony. Everyone is expressing their love.
4. Combine the three prior subdivisions of this paragraph into a single statement.
EXAMPLE: My purpose is to use my creativity and enthusiasm to support and inspire others to freely express their talents in a harmonious and loving way.
COOL, RIGHT??
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Power of Now is...powerful! :)
Right now I am reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle for the third time. I tell you, I can't imagine how the stuff is not permanently printed on my brain tissue by this time, but I still forget it for most of the day every day!
If you haven't read The Power of Now (TPON) it is super difficult to explain, so bare with me. (and if you have read it, please forgive my loose translation - YOU try explaining it!) Anyhoo - the basic philosophy is that we human beings are not our thoughts and emotions. In fact we are not separate beings at all. We are all one "being" or "presence" that animates our human bodies. This "presence" is the essence of peace, joy and love. And the portal to that true nature is the present moment. The "Now".
Tolle points out that most human beings are madly buzzing around in their lives thinking that their thoughts and emotions are who they really are, when in reality, our thoughts and emotions make up what he calls an ego - a false self - focused solely on the future and past - neither of which actually exist. When the future comes, it will come as the "Now". When the past was here, it was here as the "Now". Therefore, all we really have is the "Now".
[Just FYI - He said that he came to this realization when he was horribly depressed, in fact suicidal. He kept saying to himself "I can't live with myself anymore." Then he had the realization that in order to actually "live with himself" he would have to have two entities or personalities within himself. He then thought, "what if only one of those two is real?"]
So the question is, how do we access that portal - the "Now" - so we can find our true nature? That's what Tolle tries to teach us in TPON. He talks about different ways to do it and I have found one of his suggestions works pretty well for me.
It has to do with focusing on a part of your body, like your hand. Close your eyes and focus on feeling the energy in your hand, feeling the molecules bouncing off of eachother. We know our bodies are not solid. Like everything, they are made up of tiny particles. Focus on the space between those molecules, feel the energy within your hand. It's kind of like a tingling or a warmth, as if your hand was illuminated from within. Then try to expand that feeling to your whole arm - then your whole body. He calls this "feeling your inner body".
When your thoughts begin to come back and take over, see them for what they are and then come back to the present moment. The "you" that sees the thoughts for what they are is the real you!
When you are "feeling your inner body" you are in the "Now".
I have done a pitiful job of explaining this, so please don't dismiss it without reading Tolle's book, where he explains everything thoroughly in detail and provides suggestions of several other ways of getting into the "Now".
I've been trying the "inner body" thing for a few days now and a couple of nights ago I had a really amazing experience with it. I don't think I could do it justice to try and explain it here, but I will just say that I can't wait to get back there again and again, and eventually I hope to live there!
I highly recommend TPON for anyone who suffers from anxiety and a true desire to overcome it... I highly recommend it for anyone, actually.
If you haven't read The Power of Now (TPON) it is super difficult to explain, so bare with me. (and if you have read it, please forgive my loose translation - YOU try explaining it!) Anyhoo - the basic philosophy is that we human beings are not our thoughts and emotions. In fact we are not separate beings at all. We are all one "being" or "presence" that animates our human bodies. This "presence" is the essence of peace, joy and love. And the portal to that true nature is the present moment. The "Now".
Tolle points out that most human beings are madly buzzing around in their lives thinking that their thoughts and emotions are who they really are, when in reality, our thoughts and emotions make up what he calls an ego - a false self - focused solely on the future and past - neither of which actually exist. When the future comes, it will come as the "Now". When the past was here, it was here as the "Now". Therefore, all we really have is the "Now".
[Just FYI - He said that he came to this realization when he was horribly depressed, in fact suicidal. He kept saying to himself "I can't live with myself anymore." Then he had the realization that in order to actually "live with himself" he would have to have two entities or personalities within himself. He then thought, "what if only one of those two is real?"]
So the question is, how do we access that portal - the "Now" - so we can find our true nature? That's what Tolle tries to teach us in TPON. He talks about different ways to do it and I have found one of his suggestions works pretty well for me.
It has to do with focusing on a part of your body, like your hand. Close your eyes and focus on feeling the energy in your hand, feeling the molecules bouncing off of eachother. We know our bodies are not solid. Like everything, they are made up of tiny particles. Focus on the space between those molecules, feel the energy within your hand. It's kind of like a tingling or a warmth, as if your hand was illuminated from within. Then try to expand that feeling to your whole arm - then your whole body. He calls this "feeling your inner body".
When your thoughts begin to come back and take over, see them for what they are and then come back to the present moment. The "you" that sees the thoughts for what they are is the real you!
When you are "feeling your inner body" you are in the "Now".
I have done a pitiful job of explaining this, so please don't dismiss it without reading Tolle's book, where he explains everything thoroughly in detail and provides suggestions of several other ways of getting into the "Now".
I've been trying the "inner body" thing for a few days now and a couple of nights ago I had a really amazing experience with it. I don't think I could do it justice to try and explain it here, but I will just say that I can't wait to get back there again and again, and eventually I hope to live there!
I highly recommend TPON for anyone who suffers from anxiety and a true desire to overcome it... I highly recommend it for anyone, actually.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Secret: There and Back Again (and there again!)
My next stop on the Spirituality Express was The Secret. (A book and movie created by Rhonda Byrne about using the Law of Attraction to create the life of your dreams.)
I bought the book and read it every day. I bought the DVD and watched it constantly. I created my "vision board". For those who don't know, it's a bulletin board covered with pictures of my wildest dreams - house, car, yacht, career, body; pictures of the life that until then, I hadn't even allowed myself to fantasize about. I got myself a "gratitude rock" to keep in my pocket as a daily reminder to be grateful and feel the feeling of gratitude as often as possible.
It was such a huge relief to know that I control my experience in the world. I was absolutely elated to learn that as long as I thought positive thoughts and truly believed in my own power that I would be as happy and successful as I had dreamed when I was a kid. I was walking on sunshine.
I got deeper into the law of attraction. I read and studied the Abraham books (Abraham-Hicks Publications) from cover to cover. In fact, I embarked on a 30 day workbook of daily activities that were created from the Abraham teachings. I read several books by other contributors to The Secret including the Conversations With God books by Neale Donald Walsch. I spent hours on The Secret website reading about the experiences of others who were on this journey and posting about my own experiences.
I stopped watching the news (the news is never positive), and even stopped watching my favorite shows like American Justice and Cold Case Files in order to stop emitting those negative thought signals out into the world, thereby attracting less negativity back to me.
During this time my contract ended at my job and I got a new job that paid twice what I had been making. I stopped procrastinating and finally signed up for acting classes, which I had wanted to do for 15 years but for some reason just didn't believe I could. I put together and almost completed a project I had been working on for a decade but again, never thought I could really finish. I had an inspired idea for a non-profit charity organization, created a website for it and began promoting the website in every way I knew how.
I was happier, more productive and more hopeful than I remember ever being. I had more self esteem, too. What others thought of me was less important because I knew that I was a unique, blessed and special person with so much to offer. I believed it in my very core.
Then something really bad happened. It isn't important what it was, but just that it was one of the most horrible things that has ever happened to me. It was one of those experiences that sends a shockwave through your entire life.
On top of the shock of the actual event was the realization that I had spent all that time and energy and put my heart and soul into The Secret, having been told that my life would be forever changed for the better, and instead, one of the worst events of my life happened. So at that point the spell was broken and I couldn't invest any more of myself into working that plan. It was obviously a sham and I had bought into it.
So life went back to the way it was before The Secret. I stopped meditating, I quit doing the daily work, I took down the "vision board", I put my "gratitude rock" in the junk drawer and started watching the news and true crime shows again. The Secret...HAH...what a let-down...
After a couple of months of being back to "normal" again I had stopped working on my charity idea, I hadn't completed the 10-years-in-the-making project that was so close to being done, I was unmotivated and uncreative, and truly unhappy. It occurred to me that I had been so much happier, more confident, motivated and productive when I had believed in and studied The Secret! The bad thing that had happened to me would still have happened even if I wasn't doing The Secret. Bad things happen to people some times. It's just a part of life.
Regardless of whether The Secret was real or not, I had been happier when I was studying it. It was another clear message to me that I need spirituality in my life. Maybe not The Secret, or maybe not ALL of it, but I could take the jewels, the parts of it that rang true for me and put them in my pocket.
So, with all the jewels I have collected so far (from The Secret, from people I've known, experiences I've had, places I've been) I am off on the life-long journey in search of the glorious life!!
I bought the book and read it every day. I bought the DVD and watched it constantly. I created my "vision board". For those who don't know, it's a bulletin board covered with pictures of my wildest dreams - house, car, yacht, career, body; pictures of the life that until then, I hadn't even allowed myself to fantasize about. I got myself a "gratitude rock" to keep in my pocket as a daily reminder to be grateful and feel the feeling of gratitude as often as possible.
It was such a huge relief to know that I control my experience in the world. I was absolutely elated to learn that as long as I thought positive thoughts and truly believed in my own power that I would be as happy and successful as I had dreamed when I was a kid. I was walking on sunshine.
I got deeper into the law of attraction. I read and studied the Abraham books (Abraham-Hicks Publications) from cover to cover. In fact, I embarked on a 30 day workbook of daily activities that were created from the Abraham teachings. I read several books by other contributors to The Secret including the Conversations With God books by Neale Donald Walsch. I spent hours on The Secret website reading about the experiences of others who were on this journey and posting about my own experiences.
I stopped watching the news (the news is never positive), and even stopped watching my favorite shows like American Justice and Cold Case Files in order to stop emitting those negative thought signals out into the world, thereby attracting less negativity back to me.
During this time my contract ended at my job and I got a new job that paid twice what I had been making. I stopped procrastinating and finally signed up for acting classes, which I had wanted to do for 15 years but for some reason just didn't believe I could. I put together and almost completed a project I had been working on for a decade but again, never thought I could really finish. I had an inspired idea for a non-profit charity organization, created a website for it and began promoting the website in every way I knew how.
I was happier, more productive and more hopeful than I remember ever being. I had more self esteem, too. What others thought of me was less important because I knew that I was a unique, blessed and special person with so much to offer. I believed it in my very core.
Then something really bad happened. It isn't important what it was, but just that it was one of the most horrible things that has ever happened to me. It was one of those experiences that sends a shockwave through your entire life.
On top of the shock of the actual event was the realization that I had spent all that time and energy and put my heart and soul into The Secret, having been told that my life would be forever changed for the better, and instead, one of the worst events of my life happened. So at that point the spell was broken and I couldn't invest any more of myself into working that plan. It was obviously a sham and I had bought into it.
So life went back to the way it was before The Secret. I stopped meditating, I quit doing the daily work, I took down the "vision board", I put my "gratitude rock" in the junk drawer and started watching the news and true crime shows again. The Secret...HAH...what a let-down...
After a couple of months of being back to "normal" again I had stopped working on my charity idea, I hadn't completed the 10-years-in-the-making project that was so close to being done, I was unmotivated and uncreative, and truly unhappy. It occurred to me that I had been so much happier, more confident, motivated and productive when I had believed in and studied The Secret! The bad thing that had happened to me would still have happened even if I wasn't doing The Secret. Bad things happen to people some times. It's just a part of life.
Regardless of whether The Secret was real or not, I had been happier when I was studying it. It was another clear message to me that I need spirituality in my life. Maybe not The Secret, or maybe not ALL of it, but I could take the jewels, the parts of it that rang true for me and put them in my pocket.
So, with all the jewels I have collected so far (from The Secret, from people I've known, experiences I've had, places I've been) I am off on the life-long journey in search of the glorious life!!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Feel the Fear and Blog Anyway!!
I never thought I would create a blog - never felt I had anything I needed to share that others would be interested in reading. Now I am at the beginning of a search that I want to document and for whatever reason, I have the desire to share it as well. One thing I have learned is that it is none of my concern whether anyone reads and makes sense of it or not. My part is just to share it. So here goes...
I am in search of a glorious life.
In my 35 years I have taken many paths I hoped would lead to ultimate happiness. I have also taken no path, attempting to accept that life was simply what it seemed: work, TV, eating, sleeping; and not trying to find out what, if anything, was underneath it all. But having tried it both ways, I am now 110% sure that there is something out there. So I have begun my search in earnest.
To start, let me fill you in on some of my background.
I was born into the LDS religion (Mormon). Virtually anyone who has been born into an organized religion can probably relate. Up until a certain age/awareness level, I accepted that religion as the truth. Up until that point it never occurred to me that I had a choice or that I might question the validity and truth of the teachings I received there.
I remember one Sunday when I was about 15 years old, my Sunday School teacher shared with the class that he had at one time questioned his faith. He'd had trouble believing some of the teachings and felt that somehow he was being "duped". BUT that he had prayed hard about it and had come to believe that the doctrine really was true.
I think that was a turning point for me - realizing that it was actually possible that it wasn't true.
I began to question many of the teachings, which I will not go into here as it is most definitely not my intention to bash anyone or alienate anyone. Suffice it to say that, to me, much of the doctrine defied logic and it seemed I was expected to just believe it was all true on blind faith.
So I soon came to the conclusion that Mormonism and organized religion as a whole were not for me. I couldn't believe in the kind of God that might or might not let you into Heaven depending upon which church you attended.
For a very short time I thought I didn't believe in any kind of God at all. I think that was partly because I wasn't really aware yet that there were other options besides organized religion. Or rather, I was aware, but had always been taught that it was all a bunch of hoodoo and my mind took some time to open after being closed to it for so long.
I am in search of a glorious life.
In my 35 years I have taken many paths I hoped would lead to ultimate happiness. I have also taken no path, attempting to accept that life was simply what it seemed: work, TV, eating, sleeping; and not trying to find out what, if anything, was underneath it all. But having tried it both ways, I am now 110% sure that there is something out there. So I have begun my search in earnest.
To start, let me fill you in on some of my background.
I was born into the LDS religion (Mormon). Virtually anyone who has been born into an organized religion can probably relate. Up until a certain age/awareness level, I accepted that religion as the truth. Up until that point it never occurred to me that I had a choice or that I might question the validity and truth of the teachings I received there.
I remember one Sunday when I was about 15 years old, my Sunday School teacher shared with the class that he had at one time questioned his faith. He'd had trouble believing some of the teachings and felt that somehow he was being "duped". BUT that he had prayed hard about it and had come to believe that the doctrine really was true.
I think that was a turning point for me - realizing that it was actually possible that it wasn't true.
I began to question many of the teachings, which I will not go into here as it is most definitely not my intention to bash anyone or alienate anyone. Suffice it to say that, to me, much of the doctrine defied logic and it seemed I was expected to just believe it was all true on blind faith.
So I soon came to the conclusion that Mormonism and organized religion as a whole were not for me. I couldn't believe in the kind of God that might or might not let you into Heaven depending upon which church you attended.
For a very short time I thought I didn't believe in any kind of God at all. I think that was partly because I wasn't really aware yet that there were other options besides organized religion. Or rather, I was aware, but had always been taught that it was all a bunch of hoodoo and my mind took some time to open after being closed to it for so long.
When I was 19 or 20 I met my husband, who had spent some time living in a Buddhist temple. Every once in a while he would share insights with me that he had picked up there. If I had anxiety, for example, he said "You know, thoughts aren't real things. In the Buddhist temple, they told me I can watch my thoughts and acknowledge them, but know they are not real." At first, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but after a time and asking questions and getting answers, I began to comprehend and internalize more of what he meant.
Around that time I was given a book called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" written by Sogyal Rinpoche. The person who gave it to me knew I was going through some heavy duty anxiety and she said this book had changed her life. I read it and it was indeed a life changing book. It opened my eyes more to Buddhist teachings and so much of it totally rang true to me. I was also given a couple of books written by Deepak Chopra, which were incredible as well. I think that's really when the seed was planted.
Most of my early twenties, however, were spent partying like a rock star. There wasn't a whole lot of searching going on for quite a few years, except searching for a record deal and for a good party.
My next real contact with spirituality happened when I went into AA at the age of 27. The partying had taken a toll on my psyche, my reputation and my self-esteem. I was ready for a spiritual intervention. The first week I was sober my Dad passed away suddenly of a heart attack. I'm so glad I was just starting AA at that time because I truly felt I was in the right place and that I had found the support I so badly needed. AA is a spiritual program for recovery in which you get to choose your own higher power. That was an amazing and fantastic concept to me! I found an incredible sponsor, worked the program and stayed sober without a single slip for two years. Then my beloved sponsor moved away and I slowly fell out of AA.
But by then I knew that spirituality was the number one thing that had been lacking in my life. After that, I continued to meet people who seemed to be placed in my path who taught me more and more about what was truth. The one-ness of everything.
My next post will finish filling you in on my background and then it's on to join the story in progress: the search in real time, as it's happening....Thanks for reading and MUCH LOVE!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)